My computer has a slide show of the pictures in the 'My Pictures' file. As I have something like 10,000 pictures on my computer (we are excessive picture takers and also neglectful deleters), I am always seeing some different detail from the lives of my children. Often, in a moment of down time, I am completely sucked in. I am mesmerized by pictures of Z and Q in all of their stages since infancy, convinced that each is more adorable than the last.
Tonight is such a night. I came over to my computer to shut it down for the night only to be drawn in by pictures of my babies. Before I even knew it, I had tears rolling down my face. And I can't seem to stop them.
My babies have gotten so big. I am so proud of them. In so many ways my life has gotten easier as they get older: no more midnight feedings, or crying without knowing what was wrong, and (many) fewer diapers. But still. I don't feel like I am done with having babies. But T is.
I wasn't one of those disgusting pregnant women who claimed that being pregnant was the best time of my life, or that I 'never felt better!' I seemed to get a little of every unpleasant side effect. Nausea? Check. Hormonal migraines? Check. Sciatica? Checkity check. All the same, I miss being pregnant. I miss that feeling of growing a whole new person inside of me. I miss that feeling of possibility. I miss those teeny tiny people my babies were.
Honestly, I am a better parent of infants than I am of pre-schoolers+. Z has been a challenge to parent and I feel like I am letting her down every day by not being better at it. Comparatively, Q has been a piece of cake, but it seems like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop... He can't be this easy forever, can he? I know that babies turn into big kids, but I still yearn for another little blob of humanity to love.
But it takes two. And T is done. He has never been long on patience and two kids are all he can handle. His feelings are every bit as valid as mine. So I will sit at my computer and look at pictures of my gorgeous babies. And cry a little.