My computer has a slide show of the pictures in the 'My Pictures' file. As I have something like 10,000 pictures on my computer (we are excessive picture takers and also neglectful deleters), I am always seeing some different detail from the lives of my children. Often, in a moment of down time, I am completely sucked in. I am mesmerized by pictures of Z and Q in all of their stages since infancy, convinced that each is more adorable than the last.

Tonight is such a night. I came over to my computer to shut it down for the night only to be drawn in by pictures of my babies. Before I even knew it, I had tears rolling down my face. And I can't seem to stop them.

My babies have gotten so big. I am so proud of them. In so many ways my life has gotten easier as they get older: no more midnight feedings, or crying without knowing what was wrong, and (many) fewer diapers. But still. I don't feel like I am done with having babies. But T is.

I wasn't one of those disgusting pregnant women who claimed that being pregnant was the best time of my life, or that I 'never felt better!' I seemed to get a little of every unpleasant side effect. Nausea? Check. Hormonal migraines? Check. Sciatica? Checkity check. All the same, I miss being pregnant. I miss that feeling of growing a whole new person inside of me. I miss that feeling of possibility. I miss those teeny tiny people my babies were.

Honestly, I am a better parent of infants than I am of pre-schoolers+. Z has been a challenge to parent and I feel like I am letting her down every day by not being better at it. Comparatively, Q has been a piece of cake, but it seems like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop... He can't be this easy forever, can he? I know that babies turn into big kids, but I still yearn for another little blob of humanity to love.

But it takes two. And T is done. He has never been long on patience and two kids are all he can handle. His feelings are every bit as valid as mine. So I will sit at my computer and look at pictures of my gorgeous babies. And cry a little.


  1. I'm sorry... that's sad. I am the reverse... I am better at the toddler/preschool stage (and who knows how I will be as Hayden ages). And I did enjoy being pregnant. But you are most definitely correct in that it takes two... so I suppose you just have to love what you have (which I am SURE you do). Give them big hugs and kisses... and hopefully everything will be okay.

  2. Ok, this is embarrassing. I was ambushed by your "Ambushed"! I was all prepared to start my comment with "Here, Here! Let's start the ILEPTAND (International League of Excessive Picture Takers and Neglectful Deleters); if you'll be president, I'll be VP! We could take nominations for the other officers and have required qualifications like: Minimum of 10,000 Photos on Computer and Percentage of Photos Not Deleted that are undesirable-as-a-whole-but-might-one-day-be-needed-to-photoshop-with-another-photo.") I was well on my way to segueing to my own blog on this topic as this all flashed through my OCD brain when...

    You turned toward the Dark Side.

    At first I thought it must be a ruse, but alas, by your "And cry a little", I was crying too. [sniff] Although at my three Munchies and one Snipped Husband, I am content with and secure in that Threeness; I am still a mother and an emotional one at that. Which means when I sit at my computer looking at baby pictures of my kids knowing there won't be any more, I get all weepy too. Shall we start another group? Something with "coalition" and "crying" in the name, maybe?


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